Too many House music genres? What would Jesus Do?

A quick preview of House music categories on dance music download site Trackitdown reveals a gut busting 21.

Interestingly enough, there is no mention of 90s mainstays such as Hip House, Dream House, Stadium House, Handbag House, Hard House (perhaps some Cialis would help?), Amyl House, Scouse House or even Stupid House (no not making it up). Which just goes to show us how enduring these ‘styles’ really are.

They’re really not.

At least our old friends Progressive and Funky are still rocking. Any bets on whether ‘Fidget’ will still be around 5 years from now?

I think there should only be 3 categories of house music:

Electro should include the obvious Electro House but also ‘cool’ i.e. vanity genres like Fidget and Nu Disco (cringe), as well as Synth Poppy stuff and any synthesizer driven house music that is fun and interesting. It all comes from the same place people! Read my Great Moments in Electro series if you don’t believe me!

Classic (can’t we just call it House without the hyphen?) should include Funky House (I don’t even really know what this is-isn’t House supposed to be funky? But sure, have your pointless little sub-genre), Soulful House (aka big black voice singing about love and redemption), Disco House, Chicago style, and anything that isn’t Electro or Progressive. And yes that includes Tribal!

Progressive: I have been listening to dance music for 25 years and still have no idea what the Donald Duck this is supposed to be. So much of it sounds like Electro House nowadays, what with that genre’s all conquering ways. It’s still being clung to by its adherents though, mostly 90s producers who were so close to being the next Leftfield. Or Digweed. Never stop believing.

So what is Progressive House? Well produced, trance-ish, epics that facilitate longer mixes. An element comes in, stays there for 7 or so minutes, and undergoes a series of subtle ‘progressions’. Or not. Or you just drink a lot and then everything sounds good…!*

Ahem! Anything that isn’t Classic or Electro should be chucked into this category. Let’s stick Deep House in there (aka I’m high, it doesn’t matter what you play). And while you’re at it, shove those wanton siblings Micro and Tech house in there too.

There, is that too hard journalists? Please avoid the temptation to birth a new genre every time you hear something fresh and unique. Anyone remember Car Boot Techno Disco and/or Getthefuckouttamy House?. And I am only making one of those up. The former was used to describe now forgotten Bentley Rhythm Ace while the less said about the latter the better…

Lincoln reminds us that “a House divided against itself cannot stand”, which actually paraphrases Jesus Christ Himself from the New Testament. That’s right folks. The Lord himself ordains that ye not create a new House music genre every time Deadmau5 takes a dump. What would Jesus do?



  1. *Of course, not all Prog House fits the above description. Some just has an identity crisis and thinks it’s Trance.

  2. “The Lord himself ordains that ye not create a new House music genre every time Deadmau5 takes a dump.”

    Nice line and very appropriate.

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